It can be tricky business having this online persona. It’s easy to hide behind a shiny website and well thought out social media. But my life isn’t always well thought out. I don’t have perfect 28 day cycles that follow the moon or a clientele that is bursting at the seams. I don’t spend every day in perfect pursuit of pleasure or give myself the rest I deserve. I’m constantly wracked with self-doubt. I agonize over how I can best help my clients or how I can serve all the women I want to while still being paid. I wonder if I’m worth it. So I turn to you. You send me emails, Facebook messages and tweets to remind me that what I’m doing is worth it. My cheeks flush and my heart warms and I think, YES! Another woman helped! But then I have a consultation that doesn’t work out and I wonder how I could have done better. How I could have served that woman better.
I started this business as a blog. I wrote about all my insecurities and owned up to all my vulnerabilities. Then somewhere along the way I realized I had women to serve. I believe my body to be a sacred dwelling place, so when I healed mine, I knew I was given my infertility for a reason: to bring it back. To help other women in my same position heal their periods and infertility, get in touch with their beautiful cycles, and discover their own feminine vitality.
But that’s where it got tricky. Because in the rather sneaky business of becoming an expert, there is this pressure to feel like, well, an expert! And how do you really know when you are an expert? Is it the number of certifications or degrees you hold? Is it the number of women you’ve helped? Maybe it’s not a number at all, but rather a state of being.
It’s certainly not easy. There doesn’t appear to be this shining moment where I graduate from the mediocre and add my name to the “expert” list. There’s only doing what I can in this corner I was born to do it in. It’s just me trying to change the world one menstrual cycle at a time.
So sure I felt called. This business is my home and my whole heart is tangled up in the darn thing. But true love resists. When we want to feel loved, we act out. We play little tricks on our husbands to try to get them to tell us how pretty we are (or is that just me?). The same holds true for my business. I rebel, and rant, and maybe even write this post for the sole purpose of having people tell me I’m pretty and worthwhile. Maybe that makes me selfish or needy. Or maybe it just makes me vulnerable once again. Back to my roots. Back to that blog I started in the first place where I rant about my insecurities while simultaneously riffing on all that’s amazing and wonderful in the world of pretty periods and supposedly cool baby-making.
I’m not perfect. I never will be. I’ve had a 40 day long menstrual cycle during one of my more stressful months, I’ve had a glass more of wine than I probably needed in one particular night, and I’ve cheated on my FAM and had unprotected sex while I’m fertile (not pregnant FYI). But I can at least feel reassured that what I feel is absolutely human, and I believe that all the women I look up to feel the same way at some point or another.
But is that enough? Is my own personal bundle of insecurities enough to be a business owner, to be an expert? I really don’t know. All I know is this: I was meant to be a healer. To help women heal their periods and infertility. I was called to it the way priests are called to the priesthood. And while my three month program is new to the scene, I would have joined it in a heartbeat when doctors were swearing up and down I was infertile for life.
I can’t promise to have all the answers, although I will never stop trying. What I can promise is that I will pour every ounce of love and knowledge I own into your personal healing journey. I will help you get to the bottom of your period problems so you can heal your cycles and experience true feminine vitality. It’s what I do. It’s my calling. At the end of the day, I really just want you to get healthy ya know?