I knew that something was wrong with my health because I’d been seeing signs for weeks. My non-stop work ethic meant I was crazy tired at night. Then my breath turned a little worse for wear and my sweat started to lose its rosy edge (prime signs that my liver has had enough). Finally I had two anovulatory cycles in a row, meaning that my body didn’t ovulate at all. I skipped straight to my period without ever cycling. Uh-oh.
So I sat down with a hot water bottle and Christiane Northrup’s book Women’s Health, Women’s Wisdom, not a bad way to spend an evening. As I read through, a particular passage jumped out at me “A woman…may develop ovarian problems if she feels that she has no means of escape from her situation and that the outer world is preventing her from changing.” Goodness is that me? Sure is. For the past few months I have felt desperately resigned to my situation. I was telling myself that the reason I was so stuck, so drained, so completely run-ragged was because I was working two jobs. The reason why I never had a single moment for myself or my family, why my health suffered, was outside my control. For months I have felt that it was only temporary, that once things changed in my situation, once I could taper down my day job and work on Happy Yogis full-time I would be happy, healthy, and have time to take care of myself. Only then! I felt stuck.
Then last week, my wellness coach (yes wellness coaches have wellness coaches) asked me if the stress I was under would continue once my goals were reached. I said no at the time. I truly believed it was my situation that was causing my stress, I was powerless to it. There was nothing I could do to get my cycle savvy until something changed in my circumstances. That’s what I believed!
Finally, the theme continued when I was listening to my weekly HTB church podcast only to have him tell me straight out that when listening to God, be open to the message that keeps coming back to you. My walls tumbled. I’ve heard it over and over again. Not only that but I’ve SAID it over and over again, and yet I haven’t listened. I’ve been telling my clients: Take care of yourself first. Listen to your femininity, embrace your emotions and beliefs because they are a huge contributing factor to disease and hormonal imbalance. And here I was, hormonally imbalanced.
All this time I didn’t realize how my own beliefs were affecting my health. I realized that the circumstances I couldn’t change, I could change. And more than that, the goals I set for myself were aggressive and unfair to my body. I didn’t need to have my book out by April. I could easily have it out in May and not be under so much stress. In fact, in doing that I can dedicate a whole extra day in my schedule just for my own wellbeing. Why wasn’t I allowing myself that in the first place? Why was I putting such high demands on myself? Why did I feel so resigned to a position I myself was putting myself in?
The next day my prayers were answered when my boss at my day job straight out asked me what future I wanted to have with his company. Since the universe has been spinning me in this direction for a while I felt this was my moment. I asked for what I wanted and he gave it to me. Starting this week I am ditching the 9-5. I’ll be working as a part-time contractor for my day job on a very limited basis. I’ll have more time to devote to my wellness clients, and more time to devote to myself.
I’m not going to take the busy with me either. In fact, I’m giving it up! I was causing my busy, not my circumstances. As soon as I came to this realization, I healed. I ovulated last week for the first time in two months and felt like I gained a part of myself I’d been missing out on. I’m so excited for this change in roles and so in awe at how connected my body is to my beliefs.
What do you believe? How is that affecting your health?